Sunday, May 29, 2005

Hell Week!

God, what a week! If you'll allow me to whine for a moment, then we can get down to business...

First, the owner of the property that I manage has some problems with the gas company about payment so we went without water for a few days. Then, more payment problems with the water company itself so two days after the hot water is cut off, the water itself is gone. In between all this, I have a problem tenant who I tried to evict and he went crying to the owner. Who told him that he could stay an additional week and this is what he got for his compassion:

Posted by Hello

So now I gotta paint over this garbage and I come to find out that the asshole kept his keys and has been coming in regularly while I'm asleep and seeing his friend who also is a tenant. That's okay, I got something for his ass. I took his stereo out of his old room and replaced it with a note that said "(name), if you come back here you will go to jail."

The next day the keys were left on the porch.

heh heh.

Anyhoo, the water is back on, I'm showering regularly again and all is good with the world except now I have this incredible smoldering anger inside of me that doesn't seem to want to go away. I'd love to find this little turd on the street and show him what a forty year old man can do to a twenty something punk like him. But that would do no good, 'cause I'd wind up in jail again or worse (and more probable, who am I kidding?), in the hospital.

I'm meditating and whatnot, and that seems to be helping but the anger is still there. It seems to hide behind something in my heart and then when I'm least expecting it, it jumps out: "Boo!"

Alright, my rant is over. I want to talk about something else.

I've been tossing around this idea about putting together an ebook featuring articles written by bloggers for bloggers (and anyone else who cares to read it) about spirituality, and maybe other topics for future editions. Sort of a "Chicken Soup for the Bloggers Soul" kind of thing. I also figure if the ebook is popular, maybe turning it into a hard copy book maybe though BlogBinders or something.

The reason I'd like to do this is threefold:

  1. Stories like the above make me wonder how others handle crises,
  2. I'm far too lazy to write a whole ebook by myself and,
  3. I'd like to make a little money at this internet doohickey and I bet others would too.

I was thinking about starting a new blog and using that as the starting point. I'd need editors, contributors and all sorts of other 'ors' I've missed. Anybody who is interested in helping out in the creative process or any other aspect, or even if you hate the idea, please leave a comment or email me here.

That's it for now; I gotta go paint a wall.

Monday, May 23, 2005

I've been tagged!

Tag! I'm it! Posted by Hello

The lovely and talented Helen has tagged me for a meme, and I couldn't be prouder. I've been looking at these bloggers who've been tagged and I've been gettin' all jealous. Now I can be the true blogger!

Here goes.

Total volume of music files on my computer:

47. Embarassing, I know but this is a brand new computer and I lost a lot of files in the transition.

The last CD I bought was:

Antonio Carlos Jobim and friends

Song playing right now:

Prelude: [Inutil Paisagem/Triste/Esperanca Perdida] [Medley]

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

  1. Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
  2. I'm Feeling Good as sung my Michael Buble
  3. Hey Mama by The Black Eyed Peas
  4. Every Day is a Winding Road by Sheryl Crow
  5. Pencil Thin Mustache by Jimmy Buffett.

Friday, May 20, 2005

How Darth Got His Groove On

Hey! It's just a movie, dude! Posted by Hello

Spoiler Alert: anyone who has been living in a cage for the past sixteen years and doesn't know the plot to this movie stop reading now.

This movie is about how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. There, I said it.

Okay, so I just got back home from seeing "Revenge of the Sith", or "Episode Three" as the nerds call it, and I am glad I did. See, I'm not a big Star Wars fan mostly because when the first movie came out (or the fourth if you wanna be a nerd about it, nerd) my mom wouldn't let me stand in line for three days. I don't see why not, I was thirteen for chrissakes. Anyhoo, by the time I actually got to see the movie on Showtime five years later, special effects had greatly improved so I was unimpressed.

But, as I saw my friends all huddled together discussing going to see it today, I got jealous and included myself and boy am I glad I did! Ah, fight scene after fight scene with minimal romance. Just the way a movie should be made 'cause you know what kinda movie we men's men like to see: the kind where shit gets blowed up real good.

The location I was at didn't have many costumed nerds at it however. Mainly just the ones shown in the picture. I guess most people felt a little uncomfortable dressing up as a movie character in a shopping mall.

My verdict: four lightsabers up (pardon my innuendo.).

Thursday, May 19, 2005

How I Got My Theme Song

I'm not afraid...I'm not...what the hell was that? Posted by Hello

I’d like to talk a minute about fear.

When I think about fear, I think about my fear of bugs and rats and dogs and strangers and crowds… ahem. As I was saying fear is a big part of my life and it’s exhausting to pretend that I’m not scared of every little thing that crosses my path. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no pussy but I do have a healthy… well, let’s say a healthy respect for things that I don’t understand; and ladies and gentlemen, I understand very little in this world.

Here’s a partial list of things I’m afraid of: dogs, insects, rats, portabello mushrooms, heights, strangers, crowds, reptiles, feelings, driving in Atlanta, white people, some internet porn sites (, communication, relationships, being glanced at, being looked at, being stared at, and my mom.

Sometimes my fear manifests as anger and I want to challenge everybody who pisses me off, and that’s a lot of challenging, ‘cause a lot of people piss me off.

How I managed to stay alive this long, I’ll never know.

Some things, like dogs, insects, rats and my mom are full fledged phobias; others I just don’t like very much. I choose to be a mature human being, however, so I always try to do at least one thing everyday that I’m afraid of so I can conquer my fears. It works for the most part. There’s a colony of carpenter bees on my front porch that I no longer run screaming from every spring, so that’s something. I also don’t get queasy around portobello mushrooms anymore.

This particular fear abolishing exercise is what got me my own theme song.

A few days after my birthday back in ‘03, I just happened to be up early enough to listen to the Morning Show on 99x here in the ATL. Their big promotion at that time was the big Jane's Addiction concert at the Fox Theatre. So I’m listening to the radio when one of the DJ’s announced that he was taking callers for two free tickets to the show and that the winning callers had to have the most pathetic love life story.

I figure, “hey, I’d like to go see Jane’s Addiction, and I’m not dating anyone now, I’ll give it a shot.”

Honestly, I never even expected to get through. Many times in my attempts to reach the request line, I’ve gotten that annoying busy signal. But it rang twice before the program manager picked it up:

Him: “99x, what’s your story?”

Me: “um yeah, I just haven’t been on a lot of dates lately.”

Him: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, I just get a little nervous asking -

Him: “’Kay, hold on.”

So I hold on. A few minutes later I’m on the air with what used to be my favorite DJ’s and one of them asks what kind of car I drove and I told him that I didn’t drive. He asks me, kind of incredulously, “why not?” and I say that I’m afraid of driving in Atlanta.

Anybody who’s driven in Atlanta knows what I’m talking about. Hell, Atlanta’s most famous citizen was mowed down by a taxicab on Peachtree; and I swear, people who live here drive the highways like it’s the frickin' autobahn or something.

What the hell was I thinking? That just got the ball rolling. Within minutes, I was cast as the most pathetic loser in Atlanta and possibly the world, but I got the tickets, dammit.

The most embarrassing part? Angie Aparo, a very talented singer songwriter happened to be on hand and was asked to write a theme song to “help me out with the ladies”, and came up with this.

Click here to hear my shame.

When it was over, the DJ asked me what I thought. I told him I didn’t think it was gonna work.

Whatever. Now there’s this song floating around the internet and I’m sure that I just pushed it around the cyber ether a little more, but at least there’s some explanation behind it now.

Besides, the tickets were second row center, the girl I asked to go with me was hot and Jane’s Addiction put on a kick ass show, so I kind of feel like I’m the winner here.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Cheeseburger in Paradise

There's something in my eye! Posted by Hello

It's not easy holding down two jobs; even if you're allowed to fall asleep at one of 'em. At the boarding house I manage there's a bipolar who complains that the house rules aren't being followed properly, while breaking those same rules herself; nobody washes their own dishes; I found a freakin' bra on the kitchen floor and I have reason to suspect that one of the tenants is dealing dope from his room.

At my other job which I'm not allowed to mention, except for the fact that I'm a barista at a major coffee shop chain, it ain't any easier. I deal with customers who think they're better than the person they're hurling money at; I can't get my boss to step up the promotion process; and let's face it, all the joe I'm swallowing can't be good for my blood pressure.

So what's a guy to do? Escape.

Fortunately, I was able to hear some great tunes from my friend and co-worker Robert, who happened to be playing at our place of employment the other day. Nothing like sitting in a comfy chair sippin' on a decaf grande mocha while shouting "Freebird!" at the top of my lungs between songs.

I'm just kidding. It wasn't decaf.

My boy Robert has a great voice which wasn't surprising to me since he and I share the same penchant for belting out showtunes in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Plus, he knew all the Jimmy Buffett songs I requested from him, so his esteem went up a notch in my book.

All in all, I was able to make my temporary escape. Now all I gotta do is get a cop to come search my tenant's room which is ironic, since I just got off parole. Geez, am I ever gonna escape the law?

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Did I Shave My Head For This?

I'm Slim Shady, the real Slim Shady... Posted by Hello

Back in '93 or '94 I was a singing waiter at a place called "Malibu Jack's" at the Underground here in Atlanta. An incident involving a now defunct festival for black college students and a standing ovation (don't ask), forced me to give up my singing career for what I thought was forever.

So naturally, if I was gonna stage a comeback to my singing career I should start with karaoke.

Karaoke: noun: the Japanese term for singing badly in front of total strangers for no apparent reason other than to celebrate your suckiness. Or at least that's what the definition should be in my case.

Who is this guy? Posted by Hello

Okay, here's the real reason I decided to try to rejuvenate my singing career: today marks the first annual Freedom Day festivities for yours truly. What is Freedom Day you ask? Why, Freedom Day is the first day in nine years that I haven't had to avoid going to a bar for fear that my parole officer might find out. That's right. Today, I was officially off parole.

This means that I no longer have to be in my place of dwelling before midnight. I can now legally get drunk (even if I don't drink), I can leave the state or even the country without permission and I can even start the whole process over again by committing another crime if I wanted to.

Yeah right. There are many reasons for me to stay out of jail but the most compelling one is this: jail sucks! Gee, I'm sorry if I'm not being straightforward enough about that. It's just that even the most minimum security of America's jails and prisons just... well, they suck. You come when they say, you go when they say, sometimes you have to wait till they say you can use the bathroom. Commit another crime my ass. Crime can kiss my ass. I'm scared straight, G.

I said that I only want red m&m's! I'm goin' back to my trailer! Posted by Hello

So to celebrate, I got as many as my friends as I could scare up including minor celebrity Rob Solomon (of American Idol infamy) and told them to meet me at The Star Bar for karaoke Monday.
Fun was had by all, mainly because Rob fulfilled my wish of hearing him sing "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey and his wife, the lovely Cassandra Dear forced me to sing "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow, because she is evil, and her spell cannot be broken by mere mortals such as I.

Next time I'm gonna make her sing. I'll make her sing "Baby Got Back".

Devil Lady and her zombie minions Posted by Hello

Sing it like you mean it at The Singing Station!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Holy Frijoles!

El Zorro is alive and well! Posted by Hello

Yesterday was Cinco De Mayo, which is a Mexican holiday and I'm ashamed to say that while at one time I knew the significance, these days I'd be lucky if I could remember my own phone number.

I was walking in the outdoor mall known as "The Battle" here in Atlanta when I was accosted by these young mariachi hooligans. They were no match for my superior skills, however and they were so in awe of me that they begged me to pose with them so they could tell their friends and family back home that they had met the famous "El Loyo" which, embarassingly enough actually means "The Hole" in Spanish.

Exactly what were they trying to say?

It doesn't matter at this time, because I'm only writing this drivel to keep me in practice for writing regularly. I'm gone. I'm dog tired and this is about as creative as I can be tonight.

What, you thought all my posts would be gems?

I'll post something better soon, I promise.

P.S. Before I leave, I'll explain why I blacked my face out. It's to keep my anonymity. We wouldn't want my friends and family to be endangered would we?

No, that's not true. It's really because I take one ugly ass picture.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

And when they grow up they make a great snack! Posted by Hello

When I'm not feeling secure with my own self, I like to do things that allow me to make fun of myself; like burst into a broadway showtune at work, or wear the "Scream" mask I bought two halloweens ago around the house or buy myself some Sea Monkeys like I did a few days ago.

Years ago, when I was 5 or 6 I had Sea Monkeys. Twice. I murdered the first batch by just forgetting they existed, and not feeding them or becoming dissatisfied that they didn't look like the picture on the card, I forget which. Probably a little bit of both if that's possible. The second batch was taken to my second grade classroom and fed there which was fine with me. At least feeding them wasn't my responsibility.

Those suckers got huge! I remember sitting in class and staring at them when I was supposed to be listening to whatever Mrs. Smith was teaching us at the time. I liked to watch them wiggle around that water. Mrs. Smith hated me ignoring her.

This new batch was almost a disappointment. I purified the water for 24 hours like it said, but when I dumped the little packet of eggs in it, I saw nothing but green water with little bits of powder and what I assume were Sea Monkey eggs. I almost chucked the project right then and there but I decided to wait until the next morning to see what I could see.

Sure enough, with the aid of the magnifying glass included in the package I saw tiny little dots propelling themselves through the water. I know they weren't just debris, 'cause they were going against the flow of the water.

At least this one time I didn't follow my first thought and I exercised a little patience. With a little patience I can watch my new little pets grow and I bet that with patience comes the ability to take care of another living thing. In other words, responsibility.

Are you a forty year old male or older? Going through a mid-life crisis but can't afford a sports car? Do like I did and go through your second childhood by getting your own batch of Sea Monkeys at! Tell 'em Loy sent'cha!