Thursday, May 19, 2005

How I Got My Theme Song

I'm not afraid...I'm not...what the hell was that? Posted by Hello

I’d like to talk a minute about fear.

When I think about fear, I think about my fear of bugs and rats and dogs and strangers and crowds… ahem. As I was saying fear is a big part of my life and it’s exhausting to pretend that I’m not scared of every little thing that crosses my path. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no pussy but I do have a healthy… well, let’s say a healthy respect for things that I don’t understand; and ladies and gentlemen, I understand very little in this world.

Here’s a partial list of things I’m afraid of: dogs, insects, rats, portabello mushrooms, heights, strangers, crowds, reptiles, feelings, driving in Atlanta, white people, some internet porn sites (, communication, relationships, being glanced at, being looked at, being stared at, and my mom.

Sometimes my fear manifests as anger and I want to challenge everybody who pisses me off, and that’s a lot of challenging, ‘cause a lot of people piss me off.

How I managed to stay alive this long, I’ll never know.

Some things, like dogs, insects, rats and my mom are full fledged phobias; others I just don’t like very much. I choose to be a mature human being, however, so I always try to do at least one thing everyday that I’m afraid of so I can conquer my fears. It works for the most part. There’s a colony of carpenter bees on my front porch that I no longer run screaming from every spring, so that’s something. I also don’t get queasy around portobello mushrooms anymore.

This particular fear abolishing exercise is what got me my own theme song.

A few days after my birthday back in ‘03, I just happened to be up early enough to listen to the Morning Show on 99x here in the ATL. Their big promotion at that time was the big Jane's Addiction concert at the Fox Theatre. So I’m listening to the radio when one of the DJ’s announced that he was taking callers for two free tickets to the show and that the winning callers had to have the most pathetic love life story.

I figure, “hey, I’d like to go see Jane’s Addiction, and I’m not dating anyone now, I’ll give it a shot.”

Honestly, I never even expected to get through. Many times in my attempts to reach the request line, I’ve gotten that annoying busy signal. But it rang twice before the program manager picked it up:

Him: “99x, what’s your story?”

Me: “um yeah, I just haven’t been on a lot of dates lately.”

Him: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, I just get a little nervous asking -

Him: “’Kay, hold on.”

So I hold on. A few minutes later I’m on the air with what used to be my favorite DJ’s and one of them asks what kind of car I drove and I told him that I didn’t drive. He asks me, kind of incredulously, “why not?” and I say that I’m afraid of driving in Atlanta.

Anybody who’s driven in Atlanta knows what I’m talking about. Hell, Atlanta’s most famous citizen was mowed down by a taxicab on Peachtree; and I swear, people who live here drive the highways like it’s the frickin' autobahn or something.

What the hell was I thinking? That just got the ball rolling. Within minutes, I was cast as the most pathetic loser in Atlanta and possibly the world, but I got the tickets, dammit.

The most embarrassing part? Angie Aparo, a very talented singer songwriter happened to be on hand and was asked to write a theme song to “help me out with the ladies”, and came up with this.

Click here to hear my shame.

When it was over, the DJ asked me what I thought. I told him I didn’t think it was gonna work.

Whatever. Now there’s this song floating around the internet and I’m sure that I just pushed it around the cyber ether a little more, but at least there’s some explanation behind it now.

Besides, the tickets were second row center, the girl I asked to go with me was hot and Jane’s Addiction put on a kick ass show, so I kind of feel like I’m the winner here.


Blogger dorna! said...

OMG! That's effing hilarious! Ok, now I just need a female version and I'm set for a theme song too.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Gordon said...

Hello, just visited your blog, I have a website about overcoming many kinds of addictions and it is very informative.

11:11 AM  

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